So this is 2017. Finally.
I feel like Everyone has been waiting for this year since their plans for 2016 went left instead of right. Which means for some people since January 2016.
I am pretty sure nobody wanted this year to come as badly as those people who think 2017 is magically gonna come with a new way of thinking, or a new girlfriend. I would have loved it so much if every New Year came with a new girlfriend, it would be a game changer to niggas like us with “contract” girlfriends. It would make things hella easy for me in particular. Especially as one of the things that most people were doing in their last minutes of 2016 was kissing their girlfriends or Boyfriends. Uuh I hate these people with a passion.
on the last day of 2016, Some people do life changing things like try to get their shit in order by going to church and praying for forgiveness and for the next year to be a fruitful and happy one. Some other people kissing way too much, kissing boyfriends, girlfriends and even strangers, some people even go as far as cooking a nice meal to eat with friends in their last minutes of 2016. Lucky for them.
Well in my case,
Not only did I not have anyone to “bone” or sexually bond with I had nowhere to go because I have no friends, well, mainly because they all went out of town. I mean it kinda feels like they all went out of town to get away from me because I am a heartbreaker. I wish (Sad).
I stayed at home the whole night watching TV. You would think that at a time when the year is coming to an end upon all the shitty things that happened in 2016, there would be interesting and attractive things on TV but Nah, they rather show me a bunch of sad, sad and stupid things and people going out to have fun while I’m all alone at home in my boxers on the couch scrolling up and down my Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram timeline, no likes, no comments, no nothing. Inconsiderate bastards. I should have watched porn instead, at least a part of me should have some action, I mean, why should everyone suffer?
As if that was not enough,
At 11:55 pm on that December 31st something started happening with my stomach so I left the couch to go see if I can manage that situation. Like go do a number 1 or 2 or even both but number 2 especially. I really had to go. I guess when you have to go you have to go. Believe me, I had to go, so bad. So I left and went into the “chambers of shits” (toilet), sat down and started losing weight one shit drop at a time, and all of a fucking sudden I heard some douchebags out chanting and shouting HAPPY NEW YEAR, the sound I have been desperately waiting for, well, almost desperately waiting for. So I got happy and relieved for a while not because I was taking a very satisfying shit but because it’s a New Year finally, but then I realized I was in a very compromising position, I was sitting on the fucking toilet, and then it dawned on me,
The last fucking thing I did in 2016 was take a shit, unbelievable.
What the fuck did I do?